"She's Still Not Married Yet?" "Tauba Tauba!"

If I had a penny for every time I accurately read  peoples minds, I’d be a millionaire! If you know anything about immigrant communities, you know that we like to be in each others business, all the time! The questions asked by my friends, family and even by complete strangers usually concern my decision to remain single. (Or in their not-so-humble opinion, my decision to live an incomplete life!)

A sampling of such heart-felt concern may include any or all of the following:

- "Why isn't she married yet?"

- “Doesn't she want to get married again?”
- “Is she at least looking?” 
- “What about her parents, aren’t they looking?”
- “Doesn’t her brother in-law have any single friends?”
- "Do you think she might be the gay? Astaghfitullah! Tauba Tauba!"
- And my all time favorite question is, “Has she tried Shaadi.com?” The Indian equivalent to match.com, except the parents and siblings make most of the profiles, and if that doesn’t explain why they're so creepy, then it definitely explains why those men have profiles on Shaadi.com!

As a 36 year-old, working, single mother living in my own home, I don’t think it’s my parents job to find me a husband - they’re retired! And if I have to resort to fake profiles of people on dating websites, I may as well jump off a very high wall and break my leg! I wouldn’t jump off a cliff, because I don’t have a reason to die yet; I’m not married!
To be fair to the inquiring minds, I have been single for the past 8 years now, so I get it! What I don't get, is why they can't accept my desire to be single...For now, at least!


Maybe it's because being unmarried in my culture is as sinful as talking to boys through the “segregation curtains/room dividers” during the fundraising events at the mosque! It brings shame on the family and keeps the wagging tongues of the aunties moist with reasons for why, “She's still not married yet?”

I understand that some people have a sincere interest in my happiness, but this post is directed towards those who are insincere in their "perplexity over my situation!" It's also for those who are just plain nosey and bored, or maybe they just find my life so intriguing, because they've never met a single woman in her late thirties before?
Occasionally, I'll give someone the benefit of the doubt, and begin to explain why I have been uninterested in the endless pursuit of husband-hunting - mostly due to the unhappy couples I know and because of my magnetism to idiots, as of late - but then they cross the line and throw my son into the conversation by adding a guilt-trip twist to their endless inquiries!

“What about your son, he deserves to see you happy with a man!” “He needs a man in his life too, poor thing.” “He needs to understand the importance of being married and in a committed relationship.” “He needs a male role model.” etc. etc.

I agree with the last suggestion, but what I just wish the meddling aunties and my well-meaning friends could understand was, he does have male role models. He has my lovong father, his awesome uncle and my cousins who visit often to take him biking, kayaking or to the movies. 

And as far as "needing to be married" - if you could read my mind, you’d hear my thoughts too: If marriage really proved to be a life-long commitment to someone, (regardless of interfering in-laws and idiosyncrasies in your partner that wouldn’t even be tolerated in the animal kingdom!) then we wouldn’t have the legalized institution of divorce! We also wouldn't have a society with such a heavy dependency on drugs and alcohol. (Yes, it happens in Muslim communities, too!)

And to use my son as a pawn, shows how little they’ve bothered to get to know him. I haven’t had to read his mind to understand his feelings on the subject. In his exact words, “You’re not allowed to get remarried, unless you marry someone like Steve Jobs or Bill Gates.” In other words, they have to be tech savvy billionaires who would spoil him rotten with every electronic gadget in the world! Another comment he made at the tender age of 9 was a bit more disturbing: “You’re not getting married again, because step-dads beat their step-children. I’ve seen it on TV!” Ummm? When  did he stop watching annoying Disney Channel shows, and start watching those damsel-in-distress Lifetime movies? (Excuse me while I set up the parental controls!)

Now you see why he wins the guilt-trip-and-scare-me-to-death-about-the-prospect-of-getting-remarried battle, hands down! Sorry aunties! His argument is way better than yours, because I’m the only one allowed to beat my child and watch the Lifetime channel in this house!

Now, here’s where it gets complicated and tricky. Why don't some people believe me when I suggest that I’m content, and sometimes, even quite happy to be single?

Why does my comfort level with being a single woman in my thirties, ruffle the arm hairs of so many women in my culture? Why am I considered “abnormal” for not pining for a husband? Why do people assume that I must be putting on an act, or that I must be in denial, or deep down in a lot of pain? Or worse, why do they have to wonder if I’m secretly gay?!Just because I've developed a deep seething hatred for some men over the years, doesn’t mean I prefer women as life partners!

Aren’t we encouraged by Oprah and all the self-help Deepak Chopra guru types to become comfortable with ourselves, and to love who we are - even if we are overweight or have bad skin? (I don't have those problems, in case your curios!) Doesn’t self-love go beyond our outward appearance and require a true love of ourselves - no matter what our circumstances in life are. For instance: We may not be as outrageously rich as celebrities, but we should still love our lower paid, hardworking selves; We may not have the latest fashions, but we should still love our Target clearance and thrift store finds; We may not live in mansions, but we should still love our homes; And we may not be married, but we should still be allowed to eat Breyers Extra Creamy chocolate ice cream every night! (Thank God for that 2 for $6.00 sale at the grocery store!)

I have been single for most of my life, and what people need to understand, is that this is my "normal.” I also wish people would stop to realize that the shock of losing Hamzah’s father so suddenly still hasn't sunk it yet. I’m not using his death as an excuse to never seek companionship, but it is a process that we have to continue working on, and one that cannot be rushed. Especially not to silence or appease the aunty crowd!

Many of my friends and relatives felt the need to find a new spouse immediately upon the dissolution of their marriage. I don’t understand that, mainly because I feel it's important to explore your pain and take time for introspection. I definitely don't feel that a spouse is necessary for survival and I'm totally opposed to "conforming" to society. (Hence, my marriage to a Black Muslim man while belonging to a small-minded desi community!) Marriage should be an option, but not the ONLY option. And you really don’t know me if you think I’m advocating a, “date till you die” option! This is about the choice between getting married or remaining single, not about getting married or remaining uncommitted.  IMHO, (In My Humble Opinion - for those older than me!) the greater question to be asked is: Now that women have degrees, jobs, the right to bare arms and GPS on cell phones, are men even a relevant appendage anymore?

I've grown accustomed to living without a man. I'm alone, but rarely feel lonely. I have my son, two cats, a beautiful Victorian era home that I rent and maintain as if it were my own. Anyone running a household knows that housework is never-ending, items on a grocery or to-do list reappear weekly, children's needs are never fully met; one day he needs new shoes, the next he needs a new binder or soccer cleats. I can't make time for man-hunting when I have plenty to occupy my time as a single parent and as the head of my household. Keeping up with all the bills and budgeting to balance my checkbook can feel like a fulltime job at times. (Mainly because math/finance isn't my strong suit, and because I'm always trying to squeeze in a frivolous expense. A girl can never have too many pairs of boots or summer sandals!)

Choosing to remain single, (i.e. not looking) also has a lot to do with keeping drama and chaos at bay. I'm currently experiencing a life of calm and contentment, and have no desire to exit this peaceful state. Since men (and their mothers) never come without drama and chaos, I have to wait until I've learned to keep my inner chi and zen like state in tact, even while dealing with a man (and his mother!) At the moment, it's best to avoid such unappealing invitations!

I use the same reasoning that many couples use to decide whether or not to have children. Some feel that having children would turn their life upside down. And they're right, it does! Some wait until they are ready to take on the balancing act of career vs. family life. Some will call that selfish, others would call that family planning. 

Now here's a fact that everyone can agree on: Personal choice is precisley that, PERSONAL! It's about what fits your life best. Unfortunately, choosing not to have children is unfairly seen as selfish and unnatural, but with a world population of 7.15 billion, isn’t the argument for procreation outdated? Need I mention all the orphans in need of loving and secure homes? In the same respect, some people view the choice to remain single as selfish and unnatural, yet few consider the fact that there are more women on the planet than men! Maybe it's not a "choice" at all!

Why do we expect people in the 21st century to continue thinking like people in the 10th century? And more importantly, what’s normal and ideal'for you, aunty jee - is not normal and ideal for me!

The fact that I'm writing this and trying to explain myself, shows how little our society has progressed.

I'm open to the fact that my views are quite capable of changing on topics such as these, because I’ve always been a thinker. I don’t think my personal beliefs have remained the same for more than a year or two. Which is why, “The only constant in my life is change” is one of my favorite quotes! My ideas adapt and change as much as the arrangement of my furniture in my living room, and that’s not because I’m bored or inconsistent as I’d once thought. (Well, the constant rearranging of furniture may be due to boredom!)

For me, self-discovery has a lot to do with my evolving ideas. I also credit the wonderful new people I encounter and the places I’ve had the great fortune of visiting. I could write a whole book on the exhilaration I feel while traveling alone! Interactions with others, vacations and self-exploration are the best way for me to evolve. Staying in the same mental space for too long has always resulted in self-destructive thoughts. I need to move, to be able to move-on. By, "move"-  I don't mean “leave" - though moving out of my small town would probably result in even greater self-discoveries, like how much more I’d have to pay in rent to experience life in a big city!

As a daydreaming teen, I was sure that I’d have two boys and two girls, and the closest desi equivalent to a Johnny Depp lookalike discovered at our annual Pakistani Independence Day festival in D.C. I imagined a life of driving my BMW to lunch dates, shopping with my equally happy friends and relatives, all the while gushing about our fabulous lives and flawless complexions! Can you tell I watched one-too-many episodes of trash television!

But, life had a different plan for me! Or maybe, I took a different path or made a wrong turn? That can’t be right, because I believe in free will.  Yet, I also believe that God leads us on journeys, and if we stay open and allow Him to lead us, we will eventually realize that we're exactly where we’re supped to be, with/without who we're supposed to be with/without.

That’s God’s way of saying, “You’re either with Me or against Me.”  

So how do I know if you're with me? Because you don’t ask why I’m not married. And how do I know if you’re against me? Because I can read minds!